I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
