So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
