I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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