He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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