i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize