My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize