Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
