Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
