My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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