Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
false alarm, still single
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
