I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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