Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
