I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
