You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
