Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
