you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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