This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
