I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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