Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
soo... how was my night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
