Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
