i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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