He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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