Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize