Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We don't watch enough power rangers
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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