This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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