the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She's the barista slut.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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