Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
