Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
