I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
accomplished twins. life is a go
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
