the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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