Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I could make wine with my vomit
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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