he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
