I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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