Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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