you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
