So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
