I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
