hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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