I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't turn off my feet"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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