I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize