I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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