My first STD was from a foam party
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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