Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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