I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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