So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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