Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
