I want to make a zoo with you.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Pooping to opera.
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