Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
