My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
