It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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