Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
