The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
