you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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