i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
