Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
