and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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