And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
