You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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