I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
