He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
