So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
