I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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