Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
