I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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